The Fear That Keeps Me Up

The Fear That Keeps Me Up
Photo by Drew Darby / Unsplash

Brady McDonald was talking about running through pain. The kind of pain that makes every part of you scream to stop. He said he couldn’t stand the thought of his kids asking him why he didn’t do something he said he would, and that line has been rattling around in my head.

I hate not delivering on things and this starts with the smallest things you can imagine. I want to get up at a certain time, I get up. I don’t want to eat something, I don’t eat it. These aren’t grand gestures or life-changing decisions. They’re the foundation. Small wins build a base, much like the early miles of training for something longer. They compound into bigger and bigger promises to yourself and those around you and you become better.

The inverse is true too. Start letting those little things slide. Hit snooze once. Skip the run. It’s cold. Eat the thing you know you shouldn’t. One doesn’t matter. Two doesn’t matter. But pretty soon the whole structure starts to wobble. Sleeping in becomes the default. The easy option wins every time. Before you know it you’re lying awake at 2am wondering what if. What if I just trained a bit more. What if I didn’t half-ass that training week.

That fear keeps me up at night.

It isn’t really about running. Running is just the most obvious place where this plays out for me. The mental toughness required to keep going when everything tells you to stop translates to every other area of life. Work. Relationships. Being a good parent. Being a good person.

People around me sometimes ask why I do the things I do. Why I get up early. Why I run stupid distances. Why I’m hard on myself. Ive never had an answer before, but now I do. Because I want achievement that isn’t built on a pile of broken promises and half-finished attempts. I did the things I said I would do. Not for anyone watching. Not for a medal at the end. Simply that I said I would.

That fear isn’t comfortable. It isn’t supposed to be. But I’d rather lie awake worried about keeping my word than fall asleep knowing I already broke it.