The Thought Of Fading Away
<p>I don’t remember the first time I thought about killing myself. It has to have been too long ago for my mind to recall, or it’s blocked from my conscious thought. I do remember the ups and downs of earlier life.</p><p>For the longest time I thought what I felt was just how everyone else felt. There wasn’t an even level of happiness, nowhere near. It was a constant wave of highs and lows that was impossible to predict. I was never truly happy, not for long, just surfing the ups and preparing for the downs.</p><p>I felt useless a lot of the time. Spending far too much time on my own and teaching myself about the world. I didn’t feel a purpose and never experienced a calling towards anything. Meaning that as I stumbled through my existence I questioned what it was all for. If I wasn’t happy, what was the point in being like this for decades more. The idea of fading away was certainly one I have entertained numerous times.</p><p>In this early life I was too scared to action anything. The imagined pain of actually committing anything was more than the pain I felt and so logically it didn’t make sense. In more recent years the notion of the pain I would leave behind for my family replaced that of physical pain, and far outweighed any opposing desires I had. There was never a point where the balance tipped over, and thus the idea always stayed an idea; but one that never went away fully.</p><p>Returning occasionally to remind me that I was somehow different from everyone else. That my existence was destined to be one of ups and downs, and that was just how my life was. It wasn’t until reading <a href="/2021/03/27/just-started-the.html">The Midnight Library</a> that I managed to put these thoughts into a coherent expression and feel able to express them.</p><p>To this day I don’t know if other people feel the same; because I’ve never spoken of it. I deal with it, and know that my logical brain will always come out on top. Safe in the knowledge that I am surrounded by Team Morris and some brilliant people and that’s my motivation in life.</p>